Here are some hastily recorded old demos of mine (John – pictured above on holidays, smiling like his father (I think, sort of, maybe not)), based on life experiences. All were recorded years ago with a now defunct toy Argos microphone, and a cheap keyboard. These are by no means my best songs (most of which have been/are being/will be recorded by the superior musicians of Tigers of Tin Pan).
The following song was written while a group of vegan activists (one of whom is not a nice person) were in the kitchen of my then home planning vegan events. It’s nice to privately, gently, and immediately get back at a bully through song (all in all, preferable to standing up to them). I feel safe he won’t be reading this as I believe he only takes an interest in art made by vegans.
Vegans
There are vegans in the kitchen
And they’re plotting to take over the world
You just want to torture beautiful birds
There are vegans in the kitchen
And they are just so obviously right
You just want to kill innocent life
Why would you want to kill innocent life
No wonder you say you have trouble sleeping during the night
We could live in harmony
Up in the air and under the sea
We could live in harmony
We just need to get rid of the majority
We just need to get rid of the majority
We just need to get rid of the majority
There are vegans in the kitchen
Discussing their utopian dream
Chopping up a cucumber ignoring its silent scream
There are vegans in the bathroom
And they’re probably not going to flush
You don’t care about the planet quite that much
Why would you want to kill innocent life
Surely you can see that you’re a rapist and a shameless parasite
We could create a utopia
So don’t buy into man’s myopia
Come help us create our utopia
Where we could live in harmony
We could live in harmony
We just need to get rid of the majority
We just need to get rid of the majority
We just need to get rid of the majority
We just need to get rid of the majority
So I guess then our immediate priority
Is to initiate our moral authority
And so gradually get rid of the majority
Coz we just need to get rid of the majority
We just need to get rid of the majority
We just need to get rid of the majority
The following song is about lying in bed for a prolonged period staring at one’s duvet. I have done this — it’s no big deal — everyone does it. I don’t sing this one very well — it is very old and I am better at singing now. I think it would be good if it were sung by someone who sounds like Kirsty MacColl. Sadly, the one person who sounds like Kirsty MacColl is no longer with us. I think I am going to listen to her version of “Days” right now. I love that a lot. I just listened to it. God it is so great. It makes me cry. I am going to listen to it again.
Shapes in my Duvet
Shall I stay in bed all day and make out shapes in my duvet
My father’s face extended, drooping eyes and nose upended
Shall I stay in bed all day and make out shapes in my duvet
Pioneering American dust mites roll through cosy mountain valleys
Everybody else in the house has gone to work
Shall I stay in bed all day and make out shapes in my duvet
The hazy, soft and scary, scrambled face of the Virgin Mary
How I’d love to survey your duvet
Should I get up and go to town or should I stare at my eiderdown
My knees are tidal waves crashing into secret caves
How I’d love to survey your duvet
How I’d love to survey your duvet
The following song is about me being home on the farm and feeling oddly good on a dull, overcast day.
Grey Skies Love You
Although the sky is grey
This is a lovely day
The wind whispers to me
Through the cosy trees
Grey skies above you
They really love you
Please stay grey
Sun go away
Please stay grey
Sun go away
Although the sky is dull
It’s still beautiful
I almost hope it rains
The day feels more contained
The following song is about how I use football to relate to people I may not otherwise relate to. (I wrote a lot of very simple, very literal songs back then.) This particular avenue of social connection may become closed to me in future because I may well stop watching football when Lionel Messi retires. The void he leaves may be too great. Right now, a subtle, perfectly weighted ten yard pass by Leo gives me more pleasure than the rest of football put together. Football without him would feel a bit like the Beatles without John and Paul. Then again, I do love George Harrison so maybe I will actually keep watching football and talking about it to people I would otherwise not relate to. (Also Modric’s performance versus Russia last night also gave me a good bit of joy).
We Need to Talk About Football
I might be right
I might be wrong
I might be right
I might be wrong
I might be lots of things but mainly I just write weird songs
This might be the reason why you and me do not get along
We need to
We need to
We need to talk about football
I might be wrong
I might be right
I might be wrong
I might be right
I might be lots of things but maybe not a person you could like
If we were not connected then I might be a guy you’d like to fight
We need to
We need to
We need to talk about football
On the subject of football, I have just now recalled a demo I recorded celebrating my love for Bill O’Herlihy, John Giles, and Eamon Dunphy as presenter and pundits. I had forgotten about it. Bill, like Kirsty, has since sadly passed, and Giles on telly has been replaced by younger, less insightful people. I enjoyed them while I could. Right now I am enjoying listening back to this tune which is why I have decided to post it here.
Bill, John, Eamon
Bill, John, Eamon
The holy trinity
The Messi, Xavi, Iniesta of punditry
They may be getting old but they’re not frail
They’re so entertaining when England fail
They’re national treasures
Enjoy them while you can
Bill, John, Eamon
The perfect trio
Johnny brings the wisdom
Eamon brings the brio
Bill just sits there grinning in complete control
Johnny’s reminiscing about 1974
They’re national treasures
Enjoy them while you can
The three of them together are never bland
Do you know their philosophy
They use the word great sparingly
Bill, John, Eamon
The holy trinity
Johnny is lamenting a lack of creativity
Eamon is complaining about a lack of moral fortitude
Bill just sits there grinning harnessing the attitude
They’re national treasures
Enjoy them while you can
The last autobiographical song I’m posting here is a fairly literal description of the kitchen of the house I grew up in. It is very old and my voice sounds bad on it. I sound like I have some kind of speech impediment. I think it might have been recorded using my original toy Argos mic (there were two) just as it was about to fall apart. Still I have a massive soft spot for this odd little song. I remember playing this for producer Liam way back when and him saying I had ripped off McCartney’s Let ‘Em In. Which is grand because I love that song.
Our Kitchen
Our kitchen
Our kitchen
There are knives, there are spoons, there are oranges.
There’s an aerial photo of our house on the wall
There are fights I have had with my parents
There are friends of the family who have had a cup of tea
In our kitchen
In our kitchen
There are flowers, there is salt on the table
There are newspapers stacked on the chair where no one sits
There’s a press where we’ve always kept the biscuits
There’s a press where we’ve always kept lots of our old shoes
In our kitchen
In our kitchen
In our kitchen
In our kitchen