Thanks to all my fans for sending in questions — I tried to get through as many as I could.
What do you call the little bits at the end of cornflakes boxes? Do you eat them?
As a kid I called them “smallies.” A college acquaintance would refer to them as “dust” and I have since adopted this term. I tend to not eat them if I can avoid it.
Why is giving directions to someone on the street so damn satisfying?
Giving directions to someone on the street is a glorious act that unites people regardless of race, class, religion, gender, or whatever. Never forget that to be asked for directions is a great, great honour. It offers you the chance to create a moment of genuine warmth and good will between persons who have never met before and who may never meet again. The smile of gratitude one receives, the knowledge one has authentically helped another person/persons — it enriches us; it unmasks our humanity; it is enough to briefly lift us from our lives of quiet despair.
I made friends with a nice person and suggested we connect on Facebook. They said that would be cool but when I sent a request, they ignored it. What gives?
Unfortunately the universe will always find ways to make you feel utterly, needlessly, bewilderingly paranoid from time to time. Accept it and move on.
What is the best album ever?
That is a dumb question. In It for the Money, probably.
What is standing at the back of a long queue in McDonald’s waiting to order food you don’t really want a good metaphor for?
I’m not sure. It’s definitely a good metaphor for something though!
I am cycling on my bike at night and I’m feeling fucking weird — I shall be forever trapped inside this mind, this body. This is all there is. My legs feel weird, like they don’t belong to me. My hands look normal but they feel really small. How terrifyingly strange it is to be human! I don’t want to get off my bike. I want to keep cycling forever. I cannot cope. Maybe I could swerve into an oncoming bus?
No, hold on, be brave. Please God you have a bed to sleep in. If so, go there, get off the bike, and try get to sleep. Brush your teeth and drink some water. You may tremble a little before eventually nodding off. Things will feel different in the morning. Yep, that’s the best I can do, I’m afraid.
I’ve literally never laughed once watching Seinfeld but I still really like it. Is that okay?
Yeah, that makes total sense.
Do you ever watch dogs eating and feel envious?
No, not really. They derive quick, pure pleasure from eating, sure, but, like, so what? I’d maybe envy them if they stretched out their meals and drank alcohol and watched YouTube. That, if combined with their general lack of responsibility, I’d envy, I guess, yeah.
What is the most deceptively moving piece of music ever?
I would say the theme from Yes Minister.
Do you remember where you were when you found out about Tesco significantly reducing the price of their hummus?
Yes, I was in Tesco looking at their selection of hummus. I couldn’t quite believe the price drop. It was so low-key too, they didn’t even have those yellow “reduced from” tags! It just became significantly cheaper overnight and stayed that way. It wasn’t announced, it wasn’t acknowledged, it just happened. Incredible. What a time to be alive it was.